Codename: Flame - Supporting Our Child Through Intense Feelings

As a parent and early childhood educator of over a decade, there are a few things I have observed in children, particularly those who are highly sensitive or who have special needs.

Sometimes, the “usual” approaches do not work, which can leave parents feeling like they are failures, there is something wrong with their child or that Aware Parenting doesn’t work for them. In complete honesty, I went through a period of time, where I thought "Aware Parenting works for every other child, except mine.” This was when I was already a certified Instructor too.

There is so much information I have to share around this, and something I am so passionate about.

One of the things that I have found very helpful is a codename.

My 10 year old son is highly sensitive, has an autism diagnosis, accumulates feelings quicker than “typical” children, and feels and expresses them more intensely.

This has looked like years of exhaustion, overwhelm, exasperation and powerlessness, as we navigate our son’s needs as he grows and develops.

Having practiced Aware Parenting since the moment he was born, he has always known that his feelings are accepted, and we love him always whether he is sad or mad.

A couple of months ago my son was experiencing a particular rough patch, he was really struggling with some intense feelings and he was often in a state of hyperarousal. He said to me, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why do I always do these hurtful things? I just don’t know what to do. I’m stupid!”

I felt heartbroken, and even writing this now, I can feel the tears coming to my eyes.

We chatted about bringing awareness into his body, when he feels himself headed to a hyperarousal state. What does sensations does he feel in his body? Do they have a colour or shape? Are they located somewhere in particular in his body? What does his body need to do in those moments?

We then came up with a codename because my son didn’t want to declare to the world “I’m struggling.” He wanted a word where only a select few people knew what it meant. My son chose FLAME. Whenever he says this word, it immediately alerts myself and my husband that he is really, really struggling right now, and he needs our loving support urgently.

Since we created this codename, he has used it 3 times. When he has been overwhelmed, distressed and upset. Each time my husband or I have gone to him, held space and accepted all his feelings.

Yesterday he said to me, “thank you for the codename idea, it really helps me let you know how much I’m struggling.”

My husband and I have also discovered that when our son uses this codename, it pulls us out of our own emotional activation, we may be experiencing in the moments we witness our son in hyperarousal. It quickly moves us into a state of pure compassion because we know our son never uses his codename unless it is urgent.

Do you resonate with codenames? Is this something you are willing to bring to your relationship with your child?

When we try the same thing over and over again with our child, without success, it doesn't mean we need to resort to more power-over actions and words.
Instead we can see it as an invitation to get creative, try a different approach, reach out for support.
Just because it's something that has not been done before, or something you know no one you know has tried, doesn't mean you can't try new things to improve the connection between yourself and your child.
To me, parenthood is about self-growth, evolution, healing, creativity, imagination, connection, awareness and re-awakening those things we may have forgotten: curiosity, compassion, wonder, awe, joy.

Are you needing extra support on your parenting journey? I offer 1:1 sessions to meet you wherever you are at on your parenting journey, to walk alongside you, to support you and your child through many challenges. These sessions are filled with unconditional acceptance, compassion, understanding and are trauma-informed.