Bringing Awareness & Accountability to Everyday Traumatic Experiences

Many years ago, my eldest son went to swimming lessons. There were a few instructors that were amazing with the children. Unfortunately, one day we turned up and witnessed an instructor from another class causing trauma to a 3 year old. I stood in shock as I witnessed this swim instructor hold this terrified little girl on her back in the middle of the pool.

Even worse, she was yelling at this child "shush be quiet, you're making a big deal of nothing. Your crying is not allowed. I will not take you back to the edge of the pool until you do this back float. So get over it and stop crying."

My son was frozen in place as he observed the events unfolding, "I never want her as a swimming instructor, she's really mean."

I replied, "Don't worry, if any swim instructor does anything either of us is unwilling for, I will pull you out of the pool immediately."

Over the next few weeks I observed her in similar acts that contributed to trauma for various children.

A few weeks later, we turned up to lessons, and my son's usual swim instructor was away.

Guess who was there instead?

Yes, that same woman who traumatised that little girl, and countless other children.

I told the receptionist that my son would not be participating in her class. She asked me why, and I told her what I had observed.

She then started gaslighting me, that I had misinterpreted what I saw, and they would never allow an instructor to do that.

I unenrolled my son from that swim school altogether.

Fast forward several years:

For the past couple of weeks, I have been observing my 7 year old as he starts swimming lessons for the first time in his life. Up until recently, he wasn't allowed into a pool because of a previous life-threatening medical condition.

After everything that occurred with our previous traumatising experiences with swimming lessons, we chose a different swim school.

I made sure that I observed each of my children's swim instructors before enrolling them into lessons.

They both treated the children in their class with respect and compassion.

However, again I observed this other swim instructor teaching the class next to my son, doing something to a child that might cause stress.

Last week, this little boy didn't feel comfortable doing some of the activities.

She replied to him in a harsh voice "You are not allowed to say no, in my class. You have to do everything I tell you. Do not say no to me again!"

She then proceeded to force him to do all activities, including putting his head under water, and floating on his back.

I left feeling dread and sadness.

This week, I sat and observed a similar unfolding of events.

This same swim instructor held another little boy in the middle of the pool, in tears as he squirmed to get away.

She raised her voice, "I said you will do a back float, and you will do it without tears. Here hold this ball while you float." She roughly thrust a small ball into his arms.

He cried more, his body becoming heavy with the ragged heaves of terror.

She finally moved him back to the edge of the pool in disgust.

The little boys mother, reached out her hands and invited her child to come out of the pool into her comforting embrace.

The swim instructor looked on, "he's being very difficulty today. Remember I don't allow noes in my class."

The mother looked uncomfortable. She took her son over to the other edge of the pool, squatted down to his level and tried to talk to him. By this stage her son felt so unsafe, he entered flight mode and started to kick her. She remained calm, squatting next to him.

A few moments later, she stood, walked back to their belongings, picked them up and took her son home. Her son had been in the water less than 10 minutes.

While this was all occurring, I watched as a similar thing was unfolding in my son's swim class, only a few metres away, with a little girl.

This little girl was crying and stating she wasn't ready to do the activity.

The swim instructor held that little girl lovingly in her arms, hugging her, listening and comforting her.

The little girl looked up at her after shedding some tears, smiled and said she was ready to kick across the pool.

How very similar these children behaved, and how very different these swim instructors responded.

The little girl from years ago, and the little boys from the swim classes last week and this week, would have left those classes feeling traumatised, stressed, overwhelmed, powerless, and helpless. It would not surprise me at all, if any or all of these children developed a fear of swimming or water in general.

Trauma-Inducing Systems

Our actions towards children can have severely traumatic impacts on their development, both in the present and sometimes decades into the future.

From my observations at swimming lessons, in the school system, child care centres, hospitals, dentists and most other areas of society, I can say with absolute certainty that traumatisation is running rampant.

Most of these places are not trauma-informed. Instead they create trauma.

These systems (education, medical, sporting, etc) not only exceedingly create traumatic experiences for children, they also hold no accountability for their role in the trauma they inflict on these children. Furthermore, they have no policies or practices in place to assist children who have been traumatised or stressed.

Is it any wonder, that childhood anxiety, depression and suicide continues to rise EVERY SINGLE YEAR?!?!

Being Trauma-Informed

One of my deepest passions, and lifelong missions is to create trauma-informed, safe, healing spaces for children.

I do that everyday with my Family Day Care I co-run with my husband.

I am a trauma-informed Counsellor, supporting many parents across the world. As a side note, many Psychologists, Counsellors, Doctors and other Professional Therapist are sadly NOT trauma-informed.

As of December, I will also be a Child-Centred Play Therapist, which is one of the rare therapies that is child-directed and so so so healing.

The purpose of this article is not only to share my experiences and observations, but also to bring awareness to people, events and circumstances that can lead a child to experiencing trauma.

When we think of 'trauma' many of us think of abuse, neglect, sexual harm, domestic violence, warzones, fatal accidents, death of a loved one. All of these are obviously traumatic and will involve healing.

However, there are also smaller, more everyday traumas. Dr Gabor Mate calls these small 't' traumas. These look like forcing children to do things against their will when safety is not an issues; school traumas such as bullying, yelling teachers, academic failure and comparison; being separated from a primary caregiver such as drop off at daycare; a child's needs not being met; punishments such as timeouts, smacking; plus more.

When we have more knowledge, then it offers us space to have more respectful, compassionate responses and practices that can avoid traumas and heal ones that are beyond our control, like school trauma.

Children are extremely intuitive, they can read the energy of us and other people quite well.

If your child is ever communicating with you that they don't like someone or don't want to participate in an activity, get curious.

It's a cultural norm for us to force children to do things, "but you always love coming;" "you'll get used to it;" "it's not that bad." All these invalidate what a child is feeling and thinking, and they will shutdown and become increasingly uncooperative.

We can offer them space and empathy.

Let them know that you are willing to listen to all that is coming up for them. Sometimes, it might be a matter of them being tired after a long day, have unmet needs like hunger, or accumulated feelings. In which case, meeting all of those needs means they will become cooperative again because it was never the person or activity that was the issue.

If on the other hand, it does relate to the person/activity, then it may be worth reflecting:

• what is the reason my child is resistant?

• can I remain curious and compassionate, to hear what my child is telling me? (note: not all children will talk about it, remember behaviour is also a form of communication)

• is there a way I can support my child with this by approaching the person to inform them of the concerns?

• does my child actually have to do this activity/interact with this person?

• can I source an alternative?

• would it be best to go elsewhere/find a new person?

If something doesn't feel right for you or your child, then generally it isn't.

Trust yourself.

Trust your child.

Choose what is best for both of you.

Even if that means going against your social or cultural norms.

Your child's wellbeing (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, secure attachment) is the most important thing to their development.

If you need support on your parenting journey please feel free to reach out.

If your child is needing support, I offer Play Therapy in-person in Toowoomba or TelePlay sessions via Zoom.

So much love and compassion to any big feelings that have arisen for you as you have read this.

Remember, take what resonates, and leave the rest on this webpage.

Recommended Reading:

Healing Your Traumatised Child by Aletha Solter PhD

The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate MD

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

My 10 Year Old's Traumatic Memory of When He Was One DAY Old!

My 10 year old had been experiencing some big feelings, instead of releasing them, he was doing everything he could to keep them in.

This week he became upset because the speakers on his computer weren't working, this was what is referred to in Aware Parenting as a "Broken Cookie" moment - it wasn't just about the speakers, there were accumulated feelings that needed to come out and the speakers were a pretext.

My son took off his jumper and started to chew it to distract himself from his feelings. He put it over his head, as a way to block out the compassion my husband and I were giving him in that moment. Every time we said "we're here" or "we're listening" or "we love you" he would cover his ears and yell "no, no, I don't want you to listen to me, I'm not going to cry!" We found it difficult to create a balance of attention (another Aware Parenting term).

I waited patiently, lovingly, in silence and after a few moments he removed his jumper from his head and looked at me with watery eyes.

I said to him "I would like to ask you a question, which you can answer only if you are willing."

He nodded his head.

I asked, "I'm wondering if you feel willing to share what's happening for you in these moments, where you are trying so hard to keep everything in? I can see how hard that is for you."

He replied, "it reminds me of the time I was in the hospital and a strange lady took me away from you while I was crying."

I stood there, completely speechless.

What my son had told me, had actually happened....when he was one DAY old!

I had experienced a third degree tear while birthing him, and I had to get surgery and a spinal tap. For the first 24 hours, I could not feel my legs, I could not move and I was in a lot of pain.

My husband also wasn't allowed to stay with me overnight.

I was all alone.

Every time my son cried, I had to push the button for nurse assistance, wait for a nurse to arrive and then ask them to pass me my son. During the early hours of the morning, a nurse came in and said she had paperwork to do, so she would take my son and hold him while she worked. After being awake for over 2 days, I did not have the strength to say 'no.'

This is a story I remember very vividly, and apparently my son does too, over a decade after it happened.

Babies experience feelings, stress and trauma while in the womb. Once a baby is born, they are so highly sensitive, helpless, powerless and experience a lot of overwhelm and overstimulation. They have the same need to express their feelings, stresses and traumas as adults.

Throughout the first year of my son's life, he released so many feelings. Feelings I knew were related to parts of my pregnancy where I experienced stress, his birth (which even though it was a natural water birth was very traumatising for both of us) and all the new things he was being exposed to in the world.

My husband and I listened lovingly to his stresses and traumas for hundreds of hours in the first year of his life. We have continued providing our loving, compassionate presence to his feelings, accepting all of him.

So when he told me this memory of him as a newborn, I knew that even after all the listening over the past 10 years, there is still trauma for him with what we both went through in the first few days of his life at the hospital - a place that was not respectful, nurturing or compassionate.

In those moments after he shared his memory with me, he cried and released some of the stress hormones from his body surrounding this experience.

I listened.

I listened as he shared how he didn’t feel safe with this stranger, how he didn’t accept his crying and tried to silence him, how all he wanted was to be in my arms.

I also intuitively know that there is more there, ready to rise to the surface at the right moments for him. I know that there are feelings that have been reactivated in me about this experience, especially after my son shared his memory.

Afterwards, I reflected on some occurrences that had been happening for him this last week. As I mentioned, he has been doing his very best to hold all his feelings inside himself.

I’m not shocked that he remembers being a newborn baby, especially because this memory he shared was traumatic for him. What I was honestly surprised at was that this memory had resurfaced over a decade later, and also after all the feelings that we have listened to in that time, I would have thought the trauma would have been released then.

Our bodies are so wise at knowing when to release stress and trauma from our past, it never gives us too much at anyone time, even though those times can feel very overwhelming and painful.

With babies and children, there are many times where we do not even know the reasons for their tears, and that’s okay. Many times they are releasing accumulated feelings from their past.

Afterwards, I reflected on some occurrences that had been happening for him this last week. As I mentioned, he has been doing his very best to hold all his feelings inside himself.

It's really hard to hold it all together, it has to spill out somewhere.

And it did.

Several times this past week, he has spilled liquids all over the floor:

• he was making porridge and spilt the milk all over the floor;

• he knocked his drink bottle off his bedside table, the lid broke and the contents flooded the floor next to his bed;

• after we cleaned up the big water puddle, he then went to get a drink from a cup in the kitchen, and dropped it. Spilling water everywhere once again;

• he made himself a hot chocolate and knocked it all over the kitchen bench; and

• he made himself lemonade and dropped the cup just before he placed it on the table, it went all over the table and floor.

Marion Rose would call these Messages from Life (I highly recommend the course she co-created with Mary Walker; Conversations with Life), and he was getting many of the same messages . He couldn't hold in all the tears (symbolised by the liquid in the cups).

His feelings were longing to be released, they could no longer be contained in his body, they were spilling out in other areas of his life in a perfect metaphor.

Since he shared this memory with me, and has released some of his accumulated feelings and stresses, he hasn't spilled anything.

One may call all of this a coincidence, however, I don't believe in coincidences.

Sometimes we need messages that come to us externally, symbolic of what is going on for us internally.

Once we hear those messages, and bring awareness and presence to ourselves, to heal, it is remarkable how our internal world re-balances, which is then reflected in our outer world.

For me, the message I received was that sometimes, no matter how many feelings we lovingly listen to, there will be times where past traumas won’t arise until much later. Maybe that’s because until this point in time, this memory was too painful for my son, maybe it was because those feelings have only reactivated recently, or maybe I need to trust in the natural healing process and the timing.

I wonder if this resonates? Are there messages you are receiving from Life that are needing some awareness?

How to Support Yourself and Your Child Through a Medical Procedure - as Featured on Your Zen Mama

This article was originally written for, and feature on Your Zen Mama

One of the most difficult situations we can go through with our children is medical procedures. Whether it be a blood test, dentist visit or a surgery, these events can leave us and our child feeling scared, anxious, overwhelmed and powerless.

As a parent, there are some things that we can do to support our child and ourselves, both before and after, to reduce and release the feelings of stress and trauma associated with medical procedures.

Not only have many of my clients used these suggestions with great success, I have also used them with my own children and the children I care for in my at-home daycare.

When my eldest son was 2 years old, he split the bottom of his lip so badly, it required general anaesthetic and a cosmetic surgeon to repair. When he was 5 years old, he had his tonsils and adenoids out. We were able to prepare him and ourselves with the suggestions written below.

If you know in advance that your child is going to have a medical procedure, here are some things that you can do to prepare them and yourself:

Role Play/Symbolic Play
Role play/symbolic play can assist children in preparing for any situation, including medical procedures. If you have a toy medical kit and some soft toys/dolls you play with them, with your child to show them what to expect. You can then let your child take over and direct the play to see what happens. This can give insight into any anxieties they may be feelings, for example maybe they might say the doctor is scary. You can then introduce laughter, because laughter is one of the most effective ways the body releases fears.

One of my family’s favourite games is The Bumbling Doctor/Patient: 

To start with, I would recommend that your child assigns the role of patient and doctor to each of you, and then you can swap roles. No matter what your role though, you will be acting like a bumbling, confused and silly patient/doctor. Remember, this won’t necessarily mean that your child will act like this at their appointment/procedure, this is a means to get your child to release their scared feelings through laughter and connection with you, so that they feel more confident going into their appointment.

Bumbling patient: if you start as the patient, you can pretend you hurt a part of your body, you’re unwell or just need fixing. Ask your doctor if you can lie down so they can see what’s wrong with you. For example, maybe you broke your arm. You can mock exaggerate the hurt “oh it hurts so much, it feels like it’s fallen off” and then indicate your arm as your foot. Your child will probably correct your complete incompetence at recognising your own anatomy. You can then say “thank goodness you know what’s what doctor.” This will help your child feel powerful in their role as a doctor, which can counteract their feelings of powerlessness about their medical appointment/procedure.

Bumbling doctor: you could have your child lie down and ask them how you can help them. They might say their tummy hurts. You can then go their knee “oh here’s your tummy, hmm it does look a bit odd.” Your child will most likely giggle and re-direct you to their abdomen. You can overshoot their abdomen and look at their neck “oh here it is I found your tummy.” Once again there will be laughter and your child will show you where their tummy is. You can start to get mock confused “what that can’t be right, are you sure that’s your tummy?” You can continue like this, as your child releases their fears through laughter, and finds your incompetence as a doctor hilarious.

Presence Time
Presence Time, is a term I use when I set a timer for a designated period of time, it could be as little as 5 minutes, up to however long you feel you can remain completely uninterrupted and completely present with you child. The idea is that your child has full control (within reason) of what you do during Presence Time, and there is only one child and at least one adult. The child chooses what to do, it may be cooking, art, lego, bike riding or even imaginative play where they assign both of you a role. In this time, you give your child your full undivided attention, you do what they say and you bask in the beauty of the child before you. This strengthens the connection between you and your child, counteracts feelings of powerlessness as you are their safety anchor, and can promotes feelings of love, security and support before they go into their procedure.

Hold Space for Feelings that Arise
With feelings of fear, anxiety and apprehension, it is normal for children to express those feelings through crying, raging or laughter. Scientific studies, such as one conducted by biochemist, William Frey, discovered that our tears contain stress hormones. This means that our tears, are the body’s natural method for releasing accumulated stress within the body. As the saying “better out than in” applies to tears too. When your child cries for emotional reasons, you can sit with them and hold a space of safety and love. You can say things such as “I’m here with you” “I can you are feeling …” “I’m listening.” When you validate, acknowledge and hold space for another person, whether that be child or adult, you are showing them you unconditionally accept all parts of them, and you allow healing to happen for that person.

Listening Support For Yourself
Sometimes, we feel so frightened, overwhelmed and powerless ourselves. If we walk around bottling up these feelings, our children can sense our own fears and anxieties, which can affect how they view and feel about the impending procedure. One beneficial way we can care for ourselves is to ask a trusted friend or family member to hold space for us (the same way as mentioned above) where fixes, solutions and advice is not given. Instead, someone listens to all that is going on for us, so we can release that burden in loving company. 

Sometimes, you have no time to prepare. You have to rush your child to the hospital, or an accident happens that not only causes physically trauma, but emotional trauma too.

When my younger son was 14 months old, he was diagnosed with a severe and life-threatening blood disorder, which resulted in too many blood tests and cannulas to count, and many emergency visits as soon as he had a fever. We lived for 5 years in a state of fear, anxiety and powerlessness. Thankfully, this is a medical condition he outgrew, and we still have quite the road ahead of us to recover from the trauma and stress.

If the medical procedure is urgent, an emergency or if you and your child need to heal from past medical procedures, here are some helpful things to help you recover emotionally and mentally:

Power-reversal Games
When a child is held down at the dentist, during a blood test or for any other medical procedure, it can result in big feelings of powerlessness. To release these feelings, we can use Attachment Play such as pillow fights, tag, hide and seek, wrestling, or piggy back rides. In these games the main goal is that the child is in the position of power, and we are the incompetent play partner. Our child is the one that knocks us over with the pillow and when we try to hit them, we miss or our pillow is too heavy. When we play tag, our child always catches us, but they are too fast for us to catch them. When we play hide and seek, we hide in more obvious places and are dumbfounded by how quickly we were found, when we seek, we act mock-confused as to where our child is. When we give piggy back rides we get our child to tap our shoulders to indicate which direction they would like to go in, maybe they lead us straight into a wall. All of these games lead to lots of laughter, and that laughter releases anxiety and stress.

Role Play
As above, you can use role play in the same way to help children process the medical procedure or emergency they have experienced.

Presence Time
This is the same as listed above. Presence time will allow children to feel connected, secure and safe in your presence, so they can more easily cope with what is going on for them emotionally.

Listening to the Big Feelings
Once again, as above, when we hold space for the crying and raging, we allow our child’s body’s natural healing mechanism to release all the stress hormones that have accumulated. Once a child releases these feelings (it may take several cries, over a period of time depending on the severity of the medical procedure, and how frightening and overwhelming the experience was for your child) they won’t be carrying around the emotional baggage, stress or trauma.

Seek more support
It’s important to remember that the healing process can take time, especially if you and your child have had no time to prepare. Each child and parent is unique, so remember what works really well some one individual, might not work as well for another. Sometimes you need to use trial and error to see what works best for your child in any given moment. If you’re finding it too overwhelming, if complex trauma is evident or you are really struggling to cope, please seek professional support. Allowing others to help, can help you and your child to heal, recover and strengthen your wellbeing.