Playful Parenting

My eldest son who is 6 years old tends to get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily. These feelings are then externalised as screaming, hitting and throwing. I’ve had various people tell me to threaten him, bribe him, send him to his room and deprive him of things he loves. All of these are techniques I told myself before I became a parent that I would not do. Why? Well, for two reasons. One, it didn’t sit well with me, and two, because I have read the scientific research which demonstrates these ways are not effective and in the long run can even be harmful to the parent-child relationship. Instead I chose to focus on the works of those who are highly qualified, highly experienced and who offer a more gentler approach which is full of compassion, connection and fun.

First of all, I am no saint. I have used some of those more severe methods of coercion to get my son to not do something like when he wanted to throw his toys in the ceiling fan or when he refused to get into the car next to a busy road. I didn’t like how it felt using threats and bribes, and I can tell my son certainly didn’t either. It just made his behaviour worse. It made him feel powerless and frustrated. In turn it made me feel the same way. So here we were, stuck in an endless and never-ending battle of wills and stubbornness.

Last year, my husband was away for work, for 8 months. He came home on weekends when he could but it was challenging. I was solo parenting for the first time with a 4 year old and an infant. I was exhausted from lack of sleep. Exhausted from lack of support. Exhausted because I didn’t have the resources, nor the time to replenish my completely depleted supply of energy, love and compassion. I found myself yelling back at my son. It was horrible, for both of us. I look back at those times and shudder. At the same time, that yelling still comes up, because after months of reacting this way, it kind of became habitual. I still feel like I’m detoxing the residual effects of all those threats, all that yelling, all that coerciveness.

The good news is that I reached out to a dear friend and mentor of mine; Marion Rose (PhD). She knew exactly what I needed, offered some suggestions, and away I went to work on myself and rebuild the relationship between my son that has melted in the face of yelling matches. Now, what Marion suggested to me was not new to me, in fact they were things I have known about for years. But hey, I’m human, so I needed a re-push in the right direction. Her recommendations were based on the principles of Aware Parenting (something I am so passionate about I became a certified Instructor 2 years ago). Now, the stuff I am about to share with you is unconventional (as in it goes against what most people see as “discipline”) and it seems completely counterintuitive. If you’ll bear with me, I will share with you specific examples of how it helped my son and I so much more than using “carrots and sticks” (i.e. rewards and punishment).

So here is what I did. I re-read Attachment Play by Aletha Solter (PhD), and re-did Marion’s course “Attachment Play.” I also read for the first time Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen (PhD). Funnily enough, this book had been sitting on my bookshelf, unread, for over a year. I highly recommend both these 2 books and Marion’s course. Lifesavers and life changers. When I was reading Playful Parenting, like most books I read, I took notes, underlined and put sticky notes on pages. I would like to share with you some of the things that I took away from this book so you can understand some of the principles behind the philosophy, and then I will give you specific examples of play I used with my son to solve behavioural upsets.

My Take Aways from Playful Parenting

·       For our children to have a Secure Attachment to us as parents (see Bowlby for more on Attachment Theory) our children need cups overflowing with affection, security and attention. When their cups are running low this can lead to behavioural issues.

·       Physical play is extremely important to a child’s development and wellbeing

·       Most experts who study childhood emotions agree that anger covers up other more vulnerable feelings. For example pain, loss and fear.

·       When children are GENTLY stopped from lashing out, they will release their vulnerable and painful feelings through tears, trembling and talking

·       Countless studies (which I have read for my Masters degree) have shown that adults hitting children is likely to make them more aggressive, more antisocial and more likely to end up in prison or with serious emotional problems.

·       Instead of getting children to be more obedient, strive for them to have good judgment.

·       The  way children develop into thoughtful, considerate, kind and honest adults is because of the love and affection, the high moral standards and the close relationship with someone who models those values. Promises, threats, rewards and punishments have been called “the most primitive way of dealing with human beings.” Humans have the advanced capacity to think and reason, and because we NEED close connections, it makes much more sense to use loving and talking as the basis of discipline.

·       Laughter is the best medicine. It releases anger, fear, anxiety and all those juicy painful emotions.

·       By focusing on the underlying need and feeling instead of reacting to the surface behaviour, we can develop strong and lasting connections with our children, that they will then take into the world with honesty, kindness, cooperation and compassion.

The bottom line is CONNECTION, CONNECTION, CONNECTION. So how do we do this when our child is screaming at us, hitting their sibling or us and throwing things across the room? Here are some examples:

·       Hitting (The Love Hit Game) – not long after my husband went away for work my son went through a stage of hitting me whenever he felt overwhelmed, upset and angry. While it would have been easier to send him to time-out or punish him in some other way, I decided to turn it into a game. Whenever he hit me (which I made sure I was a distance where it wouldn’t hurt, safety is always important) I said in a mock angry voice “did you just hit me? I think you just hit me. Do you know what that means? That means I must hug you with lots of love.” I then goofily followed him around the room and hugged him in a silly way that he found hilarious. Now, I get it, it may seem like I was “rewarding” his behaviour. But I chose to see his behaviour as a cry for help, here was this little human that was experiencing all these big painful emotions. So I connected with my son and used love to remedy the behaviour. The result? Well the more I did this, the less he hit out of anger. His behaviour dramatically improved and when he did experience these emotions in the future he was better able to process them on his own.

·       Baby bear in a cave – this game I learnt from Aletha in her book Attachment Play (p.65). This game is really helpful when it comes to getting our kids to cooperate and they have feelings of powerlessness. For this game I created a cave, which I simply did by making a circle of pillows. I then had my son play the baby bear, and I played the Mama bear going to get honey. I said to my cub “Mama’s going to get honey, no baby bears are allowed out of the cave ok?” Of course my son snuck out, so when I turned around and saw him making a run for it, I got my mock anger on and said “I said no baby bears out of the cave, oh baby bear, you better go back in that cave.” Lots of laughter ensued from this and our connection grew stronger, as did my son’s cooperation.

·       Pillow fight – when my son gets really riled up, my husband and I pillow fight with him. We direct the hits and kicks to a pillow. Sometimes we give the pillow a helpless persona “oh don’t hit me I’m a poor little pillow.” Other times we play the weaker role and allow our son to hit us with the pillow. We then fall down and say “oh no you hit me.” When we go to hit him with the pillow, we purposefully miss. This also brings on lots of laughter because children are constantly attempting to deal with their own inadequacies and parents showing their flaws and inability to do things really forms a deep connection that we are all going through similar experiences.

These are just a small number of games we play with my son. We play them either as the need arises. For example any misbehaviour we turn into a game, which then release the emotions in the background and restores harmony. We also set aside time each day (if we can) for “Special Time” where we set a timer and let our kids direct the entire play session.

How are you feeling about bringing more fun, laughter and play into your life?

As adults, it can be quite challenging as most of us left our goofy, awkward selves back in our childhood. I have found though, through personal experience and the research, that this type of “play therapy” is so beneficial for our children, but also for ourselves. I also feel less stressed and anxious after a play session with my son because I laugh as well. I constantly feel out of my comfort zone, and the thought that I’m making a complete fool of myself does make me cringe, but it is so worth it, just to see and feel that deep connection.

If you’ve used play to discipline I would love to hear your experiences. If you are new and willing to throw it all to the wind I would highly recommend Attachment Play course, Attachment Play by Aletha Solter (PhD) or Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen. Such amazing and life changing resources. If you feel like the whole idea is ludicrous then that is ok too, but just know that this method is always here if you need it.

Love & Gratitude xx

The Dark Side of Pregnancy

Two years ago, almost to the day, I discovered that I was pregnant with my second child. It was early days, as I was only 4-5 weeks along. My husband and I were so excited and filled with joy at welcoming a new little being into our family. However, only a couple of weeks later, things dramatically changed. I became so ill that I could no longer get out of bed. I lost almost 10kg by the time I reached my second trimester. Between 10-14 weeks along, I had been to the Emergency Department three times, and had a one week hospital stay. I was so tired and exhausted, yet I could not sleep because I felt so ill. I could not stand to hear or see anything. I shut myself in my bedroom, where I always had the curtains drawn. I could no longer stand to be near my husband or my son. I was in my own living hell.

During my first pregnancy I felt nauseous everyday for the first 4 months, and then by 6 months along, the nausea had completely disappeared. I only vomited once or twice, however, I did dry heave a couple of handful of times. I was hoping for my second pregnancy things would be easier than this, and I was definitely not expecting worse. Which is why when the severe and debilitating nausea that was 24/7 hit, as well as the daily vomiting, I knew I was in for the roughest ride yet. I lost so much weight, that my face looked like a skeleton. My own Mum told me I looked like my Pop the day before he died – not the nicest thing to hear, but I had thought that before she even uttered those words to me, when I saw a reflection of myself in my phone screen.

When I was admitted into hospital at the beginning of my second trimester, doctors diagnosed my condition. I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (aka what Kate Middleton had at the beginning of each of her pregnancies), however, I had it through my entire pregnancy, and it only went away once I held my baby in my arms.

The reason I want to talk about this, is because of the emotions and feelings of complete and utter devastation that accompany something as debilitating as this. From what I have read this actual condition only affects less than 3% of pregnant women. That is an extremely small percentage, and often I would lie in bed, too sick to function, and wonder “why me?” Why did I have to be part of that 3%? Why couldn’t I have a healthy pregnancy? Or why couldn’t it be like my first pregnancy where I eventually got better, but was never so sick to require hospitalisation? Sometimes I still find myself asking these questions two years later. Unless you have experienced this yourself, you can never understand how completely and utterly devastating and horrible it is to your entire life. I realise that sounds quite dramatic, but it is the truth. Just ask any Mama who has had the complete displeasure of suffering from HG and they will set you straight.

Now I am not proud of this, but there were times when I felt so sick, that I was considering whether it would be best to terminate my pregnancy. These thoughts came to me in my extremely weak moments, where I felt like I was hanging at deaths door. Even though I had these thoughts, there was still this small, extremely thin ray of light that would urge me on. Obviously, I am extremely thankful I managed to get through all of that, but at the time it was difficult. I would have people say to me “I hope you feel better soon” or “ you will feel better soon” or “this too shall pass.” I can tell you with absolute certainty that this did not help in anyway, shape or form, and honestly I felt like slapping that person across the face, if I could only muster the strength to do so. See, while these people were well meaning, and I love them beyond measure, I was stuck in the present. A present that was consumed with constant nausea, I could not see that sunny future time.

If feeling physically sick ALL.THE.TIME. was not enough, I was also consumed with guilt. Guilt I felt for taking the drugs, so that I could at least partially function during the day and not spend the entire day with my head over the toilet bowl. Guilt for the effect this was having on my baby. Guilt for thinking about giving up. Guilt about not spending time with my other child. Guilt at having all my plans from the first month of the year fall into a pitiful, forgotten heap. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Even today, I still sometimes feel that guilt. It is all consuming. All encompassing. Guilt has the power to completely devastate your life if you let it.

I am sharing this story with you because many people do not know what Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) is, let alone how utterly debilitating it is. Just like you cannot adequately describe to someone who is not a parent, what being a Mum feels like, you cannot describe to a person who has never felt this sick in their life for 8 months straight what it feels like. Many people talk about the “dark night of the soul” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This experience was definitely one of mine. It tested my willpower, my resolve, my determination like no other.

If you are/have experienced this, or something like this, I am here to tell you not to give up even if every bone in your body wants to. Even when you feel so weak and depleted you can’t even lift your head off the pillow. There were weeks I felt so sick I couldn’t even have a shower or brush my teeth. Yes, I know that sounds so gross, but that gives you some idea of how nauseous I felt. It was a hard pill to swallow, watching the life, the year and the healthy pregnancy I envisioned getting sucked down the toilet bowl with my vomit. To this day I still say 2016 was a complete write off…except for the end, when I got to hold my beautiful, healthy baby in my arms, and realise it was all worth it.

There were many things that helped me get through this extremely challenging time. The first, without a doubt, was the unconditional support of family and friends. The second was taking each day, each minute and even each second at a time. Getting through the small moments one baby step at a time. The last thing, sometimes helped and sometimes didn’t; trying different remedies, therapies or approaches to help me feel better. I discovered that while most people say ginger is great for nausea, it made me feel much worse. Why? Well at the time I had low blood pressure, and ginger is one of the worst things you can have with low blood pressure…keep that in mind if ginger is not working for you. I tried acupuncture, which seemed to work so well in my first pregnancy, but just didn’t cut it this time around. I tried eating small. I tried crackers. I tried supplements, I tried herbs. I tried listening to music that is meant to alleviate nausea. I tried seasickness bands. You name it; I tried it.

In the end I accepted that nothing could help me except my own strong will. This was one of the times I actually thanked my sheer stubbornness because it did help me to stay strong. Even when I thought my darkest thoughts, that little stubborn voice, buried under all the nausea, would speak up and say, “you can do this.” And you know what? If I can get through this, than you can too. Now, even if you were well and truly blessed to have a smooth-sailing pregnancy (I admit I am a tad jealous), you may know someone who is having it rough, or maybe you know someone who is just going through hard times. Acknowledge their challenges. Empathise (not sympathise) with their struggles, really put yourself in their shoes. Remind them that they have this, and that you are there with them. Because knowing that I had people around me that I could count on really, really helped.

Fast forward, two years to the present day. Do you think I have completely healed from HG? The answer is absolutely not. You see for 8 months of my life I was bed-ridden, my muscles faded away (except my stomach muscles as they got quite the workout from vomiting), I was malnourished, my gums became sensitive, my teeth became stained and I am still haunted by the feelings of nausea and the storm of emotions I felt. HG completely devastates your immune system, digestive system, nervous system, and let’s face it every other system in your body. In many women, it can result in them being more susceptible to illness and take longer to recover. For me I had a 5 day fever. 5 days!!! That is the first time in my life I have experienced that. A few months ago I started feeling quite nauseous (no I was not pregnant, thank God) and normally I would be able to take it in my stride and just deal with it. Not this time. This time I spent the entire day lying in bed.

Thanks to Kate Middleton, this ugly and horrendous illness has had some media presence. However, unlike Kate, I did not recover after my first trimester and I did not have the financial fortune to employ every therapy and professional I could. So I ask you, if you know of a lady friend, or one of your friends ends up having this debilitating condition in the future, please do not shrug it off as “morning sickness.” HG is a serious illness that can result in the death of mother and baby because dehydration and malnutrition are very prominent side effects.

The best thing you can do for your friend/family member is to be there for them and pretty much do whatever they ask. Also do not offer any advice, particularly around ginger biscuits because you might find the door slammed in your face. Also do not down play the way she feels, this is a serious illness and not something to be taken lightly.

Lastly, if you yourself are the sufferer I definitely empathise with you. It is hard, difficult, challenging and downright shit experience. So, you do what you need to in order to get through. Whether that be following your cravings and only eating chocolate and croissants for an entire month, than so be it. If you need to take the drugs, as shameful and guilty as you may feel, it may be the best option. If you need to be admitted to hospital, hooked up to a drip and pumped with fluids and vitamins, then definitely do that (I know I felt so much better, I actually didn’t want to go back home. The hospital food tasted great and didn’t make me feel sick).

After the pregnancy, take what time you need to get better. Do what you need to get better. For me I am still getting my health and energy in order. I am seeing a chiropractor, homeopath, massage therapist and using my own training in Aromatherapy and complementary therapies.

Going through HG is a horrendous experience, and there are times when nothing or no one will make you feel better. Take it moment-by-moment, accept the emotions but don’t let them consume you, and tell people when they are not being helpful. It can also be a long road to recovery, which is why you need to make time for you, even with a baby. Get family members to help look after you and your baby.

The final thing I would like to say is to remember you are not alone in your experience and there are many support groups both online and in your local community that you can access.

Love & Gratitude xx

Being a Mum is a Spiritual Practice

I have always considered myself a spiritual person. I would say that a lot of this has to do with my Mum also being a spiritual person. I remember growing up, there were occasions she would talk to clairvoyants, and she always spoke of her “feelings” and “gut” when it came to houses. So naturally, when I moved out of home I consulted her “gut” if the place I was moving into had good energy. It was this influence that allowed me to explore my own spirituality and trust my own intuition. As I entered my 20s I began setting my own spiritual practices and rituals. This often involved meditation, mindfulness, crystals, essential oils and reading many, many books on different types of spirituality. All of this went good-bye, out the door, when I had kids.

I remember feeling frustrated, annoyed and powerless because all I wanted to do was delve further into my spiritual practice. My kids had other ideas. I became resentful that I could never get a spare moment to sit and meditate, or look through my crystals without little prying hands grabbing the little gems. I would even go so far as to say, I was filled with anger at not having anytime to myself at all. My idea of being the perfect Zen Mama to my kids flew out the door, and in came the Angry Overtired Mama. Let me tell you this was definitely not a pretty sight.

Before having kids I swore to myself that I would use gentle and positive parenting. I would be full of compassion, empathy and understanding. Boy was that an epic fail. Don’t get me wrong I definitely have my moments of being Zen Mama, and also playful with my kids. But Angry Mama shows up too. Something I never wanted to enter my home or family, let allow come out of my mouth. It has taken me several years to work through and realise there are solutions and ways to calm my Angry Mama and allow my Zen Mama to shine.

For ages, I felt resentful that I couldn’t continue my spiritual practice the same way I did before having kids. Then one day I had a revelation; something that allowed me to realign my values and desires as a parent. This was huge in shifting my entire way of being as a person and a Mum. What’s my secret? Well to be honest it’s not really a secret there are probably countless mamas out there that have already realised this. Here it is: Being a Mum IS My Spiritual Practice.

Yes! That is it. I thought to myself why do I have to sit down to be spiritual? Why do I have to practice spirituality a certain way? The answer is I don’t. This is my spiritual journey and I can walk it however I want. Realising this felt like a massive weight had lifted off my shoulders. I no longer felt guilty that my spiritual life was failing. I no longer felt guilty about feeling resentful at my kids. Instead I realised that, yet again they had presented me with a beautiful gift. The gift to grow not just as a parent, but also a person as well.

So how do I make being a Mum my spiritual practice? Well now when I interact with my kids I give them my full awareness. I parent consciously. I chose my words before I allow them to escape my mouth. I use compassion and empathy when they are in an emotional crisis. I use patience when their big feelings are coming out as tantrums and acting out behaviour. I use my calmness to counteract their angry and frustration. All of these small little things have allowed me to grow and live in my Zen Mama state. Most of the time anyway. If I am honest (which I always like to be), my Angry Mama does rear its head sometimes. When this happens it is usually because I am feeling tired, frustrated that my kids won’t listen, powerless to help them or sometimes I even allow myself to get dragged into their emotions. When this happens, well let’s just say when anger meets anger, nothing good comes from it.

I do however; have things I do to get me out of that suffocating haze of anger. Firstly, I breathe. Have you ever noticed when you feel really angry and there is imaginary steam coming out of your ears or nostrils you aren’t breathing properly? This is something I noticed when I had my Angry Mama hat on. So, to counteract that, I slow my breathing. Sometimes I even leave the room, to re-evaluate my options. Will I continue being this angry, rage filled person or will I take a step back and step into my Zen Mama and approach the situation with compassion and empathy? Taking a step back (and/or away) really has a profound way of offering a new perspective to those tricky situations. It also allows you time to process your own emotions without getting swept up into your kiddie’s emotions.

Secondly, I talk about it. Either with my husband (who completely understands my frustration), another family member, or a trusted friend. All these people offer me empathy, so I can get my feelings off my chest. This allows a sense of freedom and relief, which means there is now more room to give more empathy and compassion to my kids. Having someone to talk to, who will truly listen and not judge is so good for the soul and something everyone thrives on. In turn, I can give this same listening to my kids, and it’s also a spiritual practice at the same time.

Thirdly, I take a squiz at how empty my cup is. By this I mean my cup of love, joy, compassion, empathy, laughter. When my cup is running dry, there is no way in the entire world I can give those things to my kids. How can I give them something I don’t have, right? It is so important as parents, and pretty much everyone else on the planet, that our cups aren’t just full but overflowing. A full cup feeds our needs and an overflowing cup fills the needs of our kids and anyone else in our life. Everyone has different things that fill up their cups. For example mine are chatting with trusted friends, reading, writing, going for a walk in nature, going to the beach, getting a massage, having a relaxing bath and quite recently boxing with my husband. So the question that you need to ask yourself is, what do you enjoy doing? What leaves you feeling full of joy and happiness? What things allow you to be the best version of yourself? All those things fill up your cup.

You know when you go on a flight and the flight attendant says to put on your own oxygen mask before others, even your kids? It’s a cliché, but oh so true. Well the same can be said for pretty much everything. We need to fill up our own cups, and meet our own needs before we focus on filling up anyone else’s. Trust me this is not selfish, we can’t look after anyone if we are almost dead from exhaustion. It doesn’t take much either. Five minutes walking barefoot in your backyard can help realign and reconnect you with yourself and your kids.

So if you are a Mama who really wants to continue with her spiritual practice and doesn’t have the time, feels tired and plain old frustrated, incorporating your spiritual practice into parenting can meet both needs at once. Plus there is the added bonus of increasing your connection with your child. Who can say no to that!

Remember to breathe through the challenges and upsets.

Find a listening partner who will offer empathy so you can offload your emotions or join our online Mamas Sacred Circle™ Community by signing up to our Newsletter or finding us on social media.

Do you have a list of things you like doing that fill your cup? Write them down so you can refer to it in times of crisis when you feel your cup running dry.

Love and Gratitude xx