Aware Parenting & Homeschooling

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of having my second conversation on my dear friend and mentor, Marion Rose’s Podcast.

We chatted about Aware Parenting, Homeschooling, High Sensitivity as children and parents, and so much more.

To hear this conversation, please CLICK HERE.

Feel free to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comments below afterwards.

Much Gratitude,

Steph

What is a Mama Circle?

A Brief History of Women Circles

Women circles have been happening since the beginning of time. If you look at Hunter Gather communities, they gather to cook and eat, to share stories and impart wisdom to the younger generations. This strong sense of connection and belonging kept everyone safe. Women would come together, collaborate and share their knowledge and experience, ranging from raising children, caring for the ill and all the daily activities that occurred in their lives. The circles from centuries ago also involved spirituality, religion and following the flows of nature, for example moon cycles.

All of this came to an abrupt end when patriarchal social systems allowed males to dominate the paradigm. Women were seen as inferior and the “witch” hunts began as men sort to gain more control over the lives of women and children.

Thankfully, since the Suffragette movements throughout the 20th Century, women have been regaining their power in society. There is still a long way to come, but we are getting there.

There are still challenges we face as Mamas that are still evident in society. Our roles as Mothers are often demeaned by our culture and society. We are told we should go back to work at a certain time, but then labeled as selfish for not caring for our children. Or we are told to stay at home, but then we become “Just” a Stay-at-home Mum. Society says we should be able to do it all, but at the same time says we can’t. With all this misinformation, judgment and suppressive history is it any wonder that as Mamas, we feel we can’t do anything right?

Mamas Sacred Circle™

Mama Circles are basically Women Circles but especially for Mamas. The idea of creating Mama Circles came to me over 4 years ago when I was still running my Family Day Care in Canberra. Many Mamas were talking to me about how exhausting and stressful it is to be a Mama (on top of everything else they needed to do) and how they never had time to do things for themselves. They also shared that they felt like others did not understand what they were going through. Many of them had tried Mothers Groups but found them very “cliquey” and judgmental – this is also something I experienced firsthand after my eldest child was born.

I began to see and realise how much Mamas were struggling and how much they wanted to connect in a safe and supportive environment. This is when I came up with the concept to run Women Circles for Mamas. So, Mamas Sacred Circle™ was born. I thought, if I can help facilitate a safe, nurturing, accepting and supportive environment where each Mama would have the opportunity to share, without being talked over, and really listened to on a deep empathetic level, then this may help Mums to feel understood and less alone.

Loneliness is one of the biggest epidemics in the world today (especially given the current situation of 2020). Loneliness leads to an increase in stress hormones, this can foster feelings of overwhelm, depression, anxiety, powerlessness, exhaustion and frustration. Our immune systems take a dive, and we get stuck in a perpetual cycle of stress, as we try our best to do it all, but feel like it is never enough.

For me, Mamas Sacred Circle™ is an answer to these needs and feelings because it allows Mamas to come together in unity, harmony and with a strong sense of community. The outcome of these Circles – well my hope anyway – is for Mamas to walk away feeling nurtured, loved, accepted, supported and empowered. If our cups are empty (of love, nurture, acceptance, etc) then we can’t give these things to our families and children. To fill our cups up, we can gather in Circle and hold space for all the other Mamas in that Circle. Being listened to on a deep empathetic level is one of the most healing experiences when big feelings are running your life. Stress is released from the body. Listening is one of the main skills Counsellors use, and while these Circles aren’t counselling sessions, they do offer some of the same benefits. They allow you to be heard, understood, accepted and respected. No advice is given, (unless permission is given by the speaker), every Mama has the opportunity to share what is going on for them and each Mama receives love, empathy and understanding.

Building a strong community of Mamas, who gather in Circle (online or in-person) can have profound healing effects in all areas of life.

Would you like to help me build this strong, loving and nurturing community?

Join my Online Mamas Circles to get a taste for what I am talking about, share with your Mama friends, follow me on Instagram and Facebook, and subscribe to my Newsletter to stay up-to-date on all Mamas related topics and offers.

Love & Gratitude,

Steph

Sibling Introductions - Love and Rivalry

One of the things I was concerned about when I was pregnant with my second child; was how my first child was going to react to his new siblings’ arrival. There is so much literature out there on sibling rivalry and how to ensure your siblings get along. To be honest I have read maybe five pages on the topic. Why? Well firstly I am a sibling myself – the eldest of three to be exact. So I do know what it is like. Plus one of the areas of personal growth I have experienced since becoming a Mum, is to simply go with the flow, trust myself and take things moment-by-moment.

Like I mentioned above I am the eldest of three children. My sister is two years younger than me. I don’t remember my Mum being pregnant, bringing home my sister or anything really until I was 3 years old and my sister was one. From that point I have an abundance of memories. My brother then came along a couple of weeks after I started kindergarten.  I was 5, and so I do have the memories of my Mum being pregnant, feeling and listening to my baby sibling moving in her tummy, meeting my brother for the first time in hospital and helping to look after him. It is because of these two very different memories – or rather lack of memories when my sister was born – that I personally chose to have a bigger age gap than two years between my 2 children.

 My kids are exactly 3.5 years apart in age. When I got pregnant I was busy running my own Family Day Care. So I got a lot of questions not only from my son, but also from all the other toddlers in my care. I found it a beautiful experience to share this with them, and they loved feeling my belly and asking “is the baby coming out yet?” As my son was 3, he was able to grasp in his own way that there was a baby growing in my tummy and when the baby was big enough it would come out. We would talk about what the baby would look like, what it would do and how excited my son was that he would have someone to play with.

 To help prepare for their first introduction in hospital, I got my son to pick out a present for his new brother. I also got my older son a present that would be from the baby. When the day came I got my Mum to bring my son in and we hugged and spent time with him. When he was ready we introduced him to his new baby brother and they exchanged gifts. I thought it was very important for their initial meeting to have a give and receive exchange, and my son loved that experience. He asked a lot of questions about why the baby was now out and where he was going to go when we got home.

 Once we did get home, my son was still trying to understand that he was no longer the only kid on the block in our house. There were times in the first few weeks where he would say things like “throw him in the bin,” “take him back to the hospital,” and “put him back in your tummy.” Throughout all these outbursts I remained empathetic and understanding of his feelings. I believe this helped greatly in curbing any jealousy because now 3 months later these two precious little boys love each other. As soon as the baby sees his older brother his face lights up, and his older brother loves interacting with him. It is also lovely to see that the way we treat my older son is shining through in the way he treats his brother. When little brother is upset, big brother will come running and gently stroke his face and say “your safe, I’m here.” It is so beautiful to watch and really melts my heart. I also feel so happy that when my older son does have a tantrum he never takes it out on his little brother. I don’t know if that will continue in the future, but I have hope and faith, as though they are both off to such a loving start in their brotherly relationship.

Some Sibling-Love Tips

Prepare Your Child/ren For the New Arrival

No matter how young your other child/ren are I would recommend preparing them for the arrival of their new sibling. This allows them to feel respected, part of the process and gives them some feelings of control over this change in their lives. Some ways you can do this is by answering their questions with age-appropriate responses; telling them stories; role-playing with teddies or dolls; sharing your own experiences if you have siblings.

Special Time

Especially once the new baby has arrived, it is important to put aside time for just you and your other child. This will help to fill up their cup of connection with you, and there is less chance of sibling rivalry. What works for me and my son is once a day we will have special play time. I give my baby to a family member (most often my husband) to look after. I then set an alarm on my phone – this helps to avoid arguments and tantrums when it is time to move onto other things that need to be done. I always choose child-directed play. I feel this helps my son overcome any feelings of powerlessness he may be feeling about his new brother, or any other aspect of his life. Currently his favourite game is to pretend his bed is a boat that we sit on, he then asks me to choose a button (pretend) to push which makes us go faster or slower. These play sessions we set aside are so full of joy, presence and love that we both feel fulfilled when the alarm goes off. The amount of time changes day-by-day too depending on our other commitments. Sometimes I set the alarm for 10 minutes, other times 30 minutes. It doesn’t really matter to my son because children live in the present moment, and he knows that when that alarm goes off that special one-on-one playtime is over until the next day.

Laughter

For years professionals have said “laughter is the best medicine” and that holds true for parenting as well. Laughter releases fear and pent up emotions from the body. One thing I will mention before continuing though is that this laughter must be initiated by the person/child, not forced on them through things such as tickling. While tickling generally makes most people laugh it is involuntary and if you pay attention to their body language over the laughing, you will realise that most people actually go rigid and attempt to push you away. This is because it has a tendency to make us feel powerless, most people don’t like being tickled, the laughing response is involuntary and the tickler believes the child like it. When, in fact, most of the time people don’t like being tickled.

The laughter I’m describing generally comes about through being goofy. You can play games with your children around their feelings of fear and anxiety about their new sibling. For example you and your partner can playfully pretend to fight over who gets to play with your child. This game can elicit lots of laughter form your child and help him to overcome feelings of jealousy.

Empathy & Compassion

I am a big advocate in these two values, especially when it comes to parenting. I find that my son moves on quicker from his feelings of jealousy, powerlessness and frustration surrounding his baby brother when I offer empathy and compassion for his feelings. For example when he said “put him in the bin.” Instead of saying how horrible he was for saying that, I empathised with him. “You must be feeling really upset to want your brother to be thrown in the bin.” “I hear how you want it to be just us again.” “Are you worried he is going to play with all your toys?” This helps my son feel understood, respected and validated. I believe it is these empathic responses that have helped him form such a loving relationship with his brother so quickly.

What were your techniques for introducing your new baby to your other child/ren? I would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment below.

How I Discovered Aware Parenting

Before I even planned on having kids, I always had this vision of how I would parent. There is a little known fact that every new generation of parents evolve from the way they were raised. Why? Simply because there were parts from all of our childhoods that we knew we didn’t like and therefore we decided to do things differently when it was our turn to have children. For me, I knew that I wouldn’t use punishments, spanking or timeouts with my children.

When I did become pregnant with my first child, I still had in my head the way I wanted to raise him. I had no idea if there was even a way of parenting out there that met my needs as a soon-to-be parent. Little did I know at the time that my desire to parent a certain way would land on my lap and send me on a journey that would shape myself as a Mum, entrepreneur and human being.

 In my 8th month of pregnancy with my first child I was reading the Appendix section at the back of my Calmbirth book when I came across an essay written by Marion Rose (now my Mentor and dear Friend) about something called Aware Parenting, which is a parenting philosophy by Developmental Psychologist Aletha Solter PhD. As I sat there all bulgy and pregnant, my mouth got wider and wider in complete shock, delight and excitement as I soaked in those 5 pages of words. I thought to myself “Oh my goodness, can this really be? There is a parenting philosophy out there that 100% fit my desires as a parent. Plus so much more?” The answer was yes. I got up as quickly as an 8-month pregnant woman could and hobbled into the kitchen to share my exciting discovery with my husband. I read to him the entire article out loud. At the end I asked him what he thought. He said that it resonated with him before I’d even finished the first paragraph! That’s pretty powerful stuff.

The next thing I did was jump on the Book Depository website and ordered every single one of Aletha’s books on Aware Parenting (there were 4 at the time, there are now 5). Unfortunately the books didn’t arrive before my son was born, but once they arrived I devoured each page of those four books as quickly as I could. Thankfully, it didn’t take long because the time spent sitting up at night feeding my newborn gave me the opportunity to read the books that changed my life.

I became so passionate about Aware Parenting and sort other parents out in my community and abroad who were following this approach. I then connected with Marion (who I mentioned above). I have done several of the amazing online courses she has to offer. I lived and breathed Aware Parenting, all with the support from my husband – which let me tell you, when you are on the same page about parenting as your spouse if freaking amazing. Our family didn’t really understand this different kind of parenting. Some of them probably thought the whole thing was completely ludicrous. However, there were a couple of family members that went to the effort to understand and even practice Aware Parenting with my kids, for which I am truly grateful.

As my journey into Aware Parenting deepened, I realised it was more a way of life than just a way to parent. It sparked in me a deep passion and altered my career course to specialise in parenting and children. It was very early on that I decided I was going to become a Certified Aware Parenting Instructor. I achieved this almost 4 years ago; 3 years after I commenced my Aware Parenting journey.

So what is this Aware Parenting you ask? If you’ve read my previous blog posts they will give you some inkling as to the philosophy. Aware Parenting is about honouring a child for who they are, seeing them for who they are instead of their behaviour. It is a way of life encompassing compassion, empathy, cooperation, connection and understanding. There are three main components as outlined by Aletha as the core of what Aware Parenting is. These are:

• Attachment-style parenting

  • Natural childbirth and early bonding

  • Plenty of physical contact

  • Prolonged breast-feeding

  • Prompt responsiveness to crying

  • Sensitive attunement

• Non-punitive discipline

  • No punishments of any kind (including spanking, "time-out", and artificial "consequences")

  • No rewards or bribes

  • A search for underlying needs and feelings

  • Anger management for parents

  • Peaceful conflict-resolution (family meetings, mediation, etc.)

• Healing from stress and trauma

  • Recognition of stress and trauma (including unmet needs) as primary causes of behavioral and emotional problems

  • Emphasis on prevention of stress and trauma

  • Recognition of the healing effects of play, laughter, and crying in the context of a loving parent/child relationship

  • Respectful, empathic listening and acceptance of children's emotions

(Copyright © 1994 by Aletha Solter “copied with permission from the Aware Parenting Institute website” http://www.awareparenting.com/aspects.html)

All of these principles are based on scientific and psychological research into the development of a human baby and child. When you read that tears and tantrums are healing, I wonder how that makes you feel? Before I came across Aware Parenting, I thought these were things that needed to be stopped. However, after reading the scientific research it makes complete sense for me personally. Biochemist William Fey discovered that when we cry to release emotions such as sadness, powerlessness, frustration and anger we are releasing stress hormones from our body. This is a crucial step in allowing our body to regain equilibrium.

Aware Parenting is following what works for you, tuning in to your own feelings around all aspects of your life and going with what resonates with you. As with everything in life, take what you like and leave the rest when you close this window.

I have lived, breathed and parented Aware Parenting for 7 years, and I can say with absolute certainty that the times I have stumbled (whether from exhaustion or stress) and defaulted to the way I was raised (punishment, timeouts, etc), my children have not responded well. When I use Aware Parenting by connecting before correcting, using play for challenging behaviours and holding space for big feelings, everyone feels happier and more connected.

How Our Expectations Can Ruin Our Relationship With Our Children

Expectations – those darn things that we seem to allow to run amuck in all areas of our lives. The problem is that expectations have a nasty habit of ruining our goals, our dreams and our desires. This is especially true when it comes to our expectations of ourselves, and our relationship with others. Including the sacred relationships we have with our children. When we hold expectations about how others (and ourselves) “should” act, behave and live we are essentially projecting our own issues, insecurities and values onto another person. When that other person happens to be your child, the consequences can be far reaching, and can influence the person your child becomes.

Before I gave birth to my first child, I would visualise what it would be like to be a Mum. How I would really nurture who this little person was, who was about to enter my life. I would focus on how I would parent, what we would do together and how our relationship would have a strong unconditional loving connection. All of this was fine, because it was all up to me and how I acted as a parent, and my responsibilities to my son. However, as time went on and my son entered toddlerhood and his strong personality came stampeding to the forefront, I realised I had (at the time) become attached to these unrealistic expectations of not only how he “should” behave but also who he “should” be. This ironically, is one of the very strong values that I vowed to myself I would follow – that my children would be who they are born to be. That I wouldn’t shape, or mould them to my values. That I was their equal, not their superior. That I would nourish and nurture their uniqueness and celebrate them as the beautiful person they came here to be.

Unfortunately, along the way in my parenting journey my vision became cloudy. It became murky. My expectations of how my son should act and who he should be tainted not only our relationship, but also how I saw him as a person and how I acted – or rather reacted towards him. My delusional visions of him were of this well-behaved, quiet, dreamy little boy who would stay next to me at the shops instead of running off and stressing the hell out of me; who would clean up his own mess; who would sit quietly in his own imaginative world; and who would exude peace and serenity. When my son did not meet these preconceived “delusions” and expectations I felt angry, frustrated and annoyed. I would meet his storm with my own storm. As you can imagine there was thunder, lightening, cyclones and hail. He would run around the house creating a mess of toy destruction in his wake, and claim he was too tired to clean it up. I would yell, threaten, and issue ultimatums – all things I swore I would never do – to try and counteract and “persuade” him to clean up as he went. In all honesty, it became exhausting. My energy got depleted. The more I pushed my expectations on him, the more he pushed back, and then some. We were both trapped in this vicious delusional cycle that I had created all because I had these expectations of who he should be instead of embracing the beautiful person he has always been.

When I realised how much my expectations were projecting on him and negatively affecting our relationship and becoming extremely detrimental to his personal growth, I had an epiphany. Like in the movies where the character suddenly has this flashback of all events prior to that particular moment in time. The camera zooms in on their eye and then pulls back. The audience sees the utter devastation on the character’s face. The moment the character realises they instigated the whole thing. Then we wait a moment more and a look of determination lights up the character’s face, as they make that epiphany, revelation, realisation, that they hold the power to change. Well that dramatic movie occurrence that Hollywood loves to include in basically all their movies happened to me. I realised that by having all these confounded expectations, I had single-handedly destroyed the relationship with my son. In that moment I made a decision. A decision that has brought me more peace, more acceptance, more authenticity and more love. That decision was to release all my expectations and to fully embrace EVERY. SINGLE. aspect of my son for WHO HE IS.

 

Where I saw loud and noisy; I now see energetic and full of life.

Where I saw messy and destructive; I now see fun and creativity.

Where I saw defiance; I now see free-spirited and courageous.

Where I saw roughhouse; I now see playful.

Where I saw screaming and frustration; I now see as determined and strong.

Where I saw constant movement; I now see as a wild imagination.

In that moment I made a choice. The choice to see my son for who he is, instead of who I think he should be. Now when I see mess and cushions all over the floor I no longer feel frustrated and annoyed that I will be the one that cleans it up. Instead I see the growth and learning that is occurring. The world of imagination and creativity that my son has produced. Yes, I am still the one that cleans up the mess but what is more important; becoming a raving, yelling lunatic and shouting “if you don’t clean up your mess than [insert threat here]” or that my son is learning, expressing himself and being so present in the moment, in his own world that nothing else matters. Cleaning up messes is what comes through developmental milestones and modelling cleaning up – as they say monkey see, monkey do. It just takes patience…a lot of patience to get to the point where they are willing to clean up by themselves.

I remember when I ran my own day care one of the government department assessors said to me “when we come to a home and there is no mess we feel concerned that the children have not been learning.” Life is messy. Fun is messy. Creativity is messy. The big advancements in society didn’t come from cleanliness and tidiness. Your child’s – my sons’ – learning and growth won’t come from that either.

Note: I’ve used the mess example because it was one of my failed expectations of how my son should be that I felt annoyed about most.

My Tips for Releasing Expectations

• Write down a list of all the expectations you have of how your child should act and who they should be.

• Write down how they are not meeting these expectations.

• Turn all these unmet “expectations” into something positive. I.E. defiant becomes free-spirited, knowing their own needs, assertive and/or creative.

• Write down all of their positive traits – many of these will overlap with those above .

• Become mindful of your reactions towards your child and recognise when you are projecting your expectations onto them.

• Breathe and take a moment to alter your automatic response. Research has shown that you can create new habits in 21 days. This also creates different neural pathways in the brain, so that eventually what might have been a yelling match reaction now becomes a peaceful request or a different way of looking at the situation.

Remember that how you react with or connect with your child is a choice YOU make. You could be yelling at your child to clean up their toys until you turn blue but as the saying goes “if you have told your child a thousand times, it is not the child who is the slow learner.” Choose a different response, talk to your child in ways that resonate with them, get them involved in problem-solving a way to get both your needs met. That way they also feel like they are in control of their life, which means it is less likely, they will “rebel” against you.

So now I invite you, when you walk into the room and see a cyclone of destruction everywhere choose to see a world of imagination that your child has created. A mess is easy to clean up, squashed imaginations and hope is not easy to reignite.

I also challenge you to make a choice in every moment to see beyond the loudness, messiness or whatever it is that really gets up in your grill and choose to see it differently. Choose to see it how your child does. Choose to nurture your child for who s/he is and not coerce them into how you think they should be.

Love and Gratitude xx